FEAR NOTHING.

In this post...

  • Needle stand-off
  • The boy goes back to his normal
  • Gratuitous pictures

NEEDLE STAND OFF.

I woke up before the 9am alarm. Turned it off (best feeling always).
Forced myself to sit up.
Ok, today's the day.
I walk myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Hoping this will wake me up.
I hear Tim lightly breathing in his sleep.
I smile - he can sleep in today!
Just have to do this first, so down the stairs I go.
I walk over to the medicine shelves. Three shelves that were just "renovated." Now fully dedicated to holding the dozens of pills + meds I now rely on.
Gauze? Check. Alcohol pad? Check.
Aw man. The damn blood thinner injection. 
Check.
The bright orange needle mocks me. You ready?
NO.
I sit down on the new red leather dining chair. Comfy for pricking myself, that's good.
The thought crosses my mind... but Tim WANTS to do this for you. You sure you can handle it?
I guiltily swat that away. No. This is NBD. 
And he deserves to sleep! He'd stay non-human if you let him. 
I swab my belly with the alcohol pad. Smells great, especially in the morning lol.
I get the gauze ready as though it'll numb any accidental pain I self-inflict.
I unwrap the needle packaging.
I take off the cap.
I look at the silver pointy thing for a few seconds before I force myself to stop. This isn't helping.
Ok, time to go.
I take it. I stab myself. I push the needle to pump my belly full of this stuff. 
A spring-function pops and I know it's done.
I unstick myself.

No blood. Whew. I did it. 

The sense of relief washes over me as I realize I've liberated myself just that much more from something that rudely decided to take over my life. Step off, son. You don't know who you're messing with!

And just now... I did it again. Gave myself another two shots in the belly. The second one didn't go as well, though. I huge drop of blood shot up and I freaked for a second. WHAT IS THIS. But after I wiped it away, no more blood appeared. Whew, we are good.

It's these little victories of my day that make me feel like I'm progressing. Going somewhere. Getting "better." 

THE BOY GOES BACK TO HIS NORMAL.

Part of my motivation to "stick myself" today was to understand that I need to own more of my situation because my loved ones can only play supporting roles. Tim has stuck by my side every waking moment. He has tended to my every need and now reads my face better than before. Seemingly limitless patience. Whatever I want, I can ask for and get. (Many times it happens without the ask part.)

That's all great until I realize that I will not have that with me when he returns to work Tuesday. Don't get me wrong: my family is AMAZING and they would be here every waking second if they could be, too. It just doesn't feel good for me. I don't like feeling like I'm disrupting so many lives. At least I live with Tim so it's natural for us to be together so much. 

Anyhow.  I do feel excited to be able to spend more time with the parents starting tomorrow. Again, it's like cancer has provided the REAL lens through which to look at how to spend time:

Don't wait till the weekend or holidays. Why not host a parents sleep over in the middle of the week?! You'll never get that time back.

Amen. 

Lastly... I got back pictures from my friend Josephine who documented our NYE "party" ;). Thanks to her, I get to relive some of the most fun moments of the night! Here are the...

GRATUITOUS PICTURES.